21 May 2013

The Xbox Reveal Drinking Game

Courtesy of The Drunken Moogle
As you all know Microsoft are set to announce the next chapter of Xbox at a special event at their Redmond Headquarters at 18:00 BST (10:00 PDT).

If game journalism wasn't based on pageviews all those 'Everything we Know about the Next Xbox' articles would instead be 'We Don't Actually Know Anything About the Next Xbox, No One Outside Microsoft Does'. However, we can make some educated or at least fun guesses.

The Rules:

A Kinect game is revealed after Microsoft promise a quality exclusive: One shot.

A musical performance that's neither necessary or particularly enjoyable: One shot for every two minutes it lasts; two shots for every two minutes if said performance is by Usher.

Call of Duty: Ghosts, Battlefield 4 and FIFA 14 aren't actually next-gen exclusives but they talk about them like they are: One shot but if it's because of exclusive DLC take an additional shot, if it's because of timed exclusive DLC take two additional shots.

Rare has a new game: If it's a Kinect game take one shot. If it's an actual game down two shots. If it's Banjo Threeie just finish the bottle.

A Fable game is announced: If it's a 'proper' Fable take a shot. If it's a Kinect Fable take two. If it's a Fable MMO take four.

A non-exclusive game is made out to be an exclusive because of its Kinect features: Take two shots.

Xbox officially axes Microsoft Points: Take two shots.

Netflix, YouTube, Hulu, Twitter, Facebook, Spotify or any social media or content streaming service is revealed for the console: Take a shot for each.

The system's name is revealed: If Xbox 720 one shot, if Xbox Gold, Xbox Fusion or Xbox Infinite/Infinity take two shots. If they just call if Xbox take three.

Someone tries to use the new Kinect to show you the sole of their avatar's shoe: Take a shot.

Dubstep at any point: Take a shot.

A new IP that isn't a shooter: Three shots.

A new IP that's either a shooter or a racer: Take a shot.

Kids who were presumably abducted from their parents and forced to look like they're enjoying themselves while using Kinect: Two shots.

Any of these games are announced: Halo 5, Halo 2 Anniversary, a new Gears of War, Project Gotham Racing 5, Forza 5, Kinectimals 2, Ryse, Respawn's first game take a shot for each.

A Microsoft employee says any of the following: "Cutting edge technology", "Enhanced entertainment experience" (take one shot, two if they add "in your living room"), "improved/next generation of Achievements", "A unique experience only on Xbox/Kinect", More connected than ever before", "This holiday season/Holiday 2013" take a shot.

The following tech specs are revealed: Blu-ray drive, 1TB HDD, 8GB of RAM, Kinect 2.0, Illumiroom support, Smartglass integration, two GPUs, no backwards compatibility, no used games, always online take two shots per feature.

That's it!

Congratulations if you've made it this far without serious liver failure! If you're looking for some special Xbox themed drinks for the occasion try The Drunken Moogle's Halo beverages

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